Our physical world around us is mirror image of what is inside of us. Every relationship is a reflection of who we are, in a sense we are dating ourselves. Before we can truly love another person, or allow them to truly love us, we must first love our self, entirely.
I spent ten consecutive years in relationships. Since the age of fifteen, I have found myself constantly in love, but not for long. I went from one relationship to the next, desperately searching for something to make me happy, completely naive to the possibility that I was the one responsible for my happiness.
From the age of nineteen until my twenty-fifth birthday I was in four relationships, seemingly the exact same relationship, just with four different guys. I was always questioning how was it that these guys possessed the exact same traits, similar behaviors, insecurities, tempers. Almost everything was identical. I soon began to suspect that it was somehow my fault, that I had the ability to create them in to this person, or that this was what happened when I dated someone. It wasn't until years later that I realized these men were only a reflection of myself, that was the similarity. All of the issues in the relationships that kept repeating themselves were lessons, lessons of growth for me that I wasn't learning. It wouldn't be until I was able to change myself, love myself, and be enough for myself, that I would attract a different kind relationship.
For the first twenty-six years of my life, I couldn't define myself as a woman. I had nothing that I related to as being my own, I was a girl without a passion, without desires, without a dream. This is why I depended on a relationship. I needed someone else to make my life, so that I could live through them, possess them, they could be mine. It was the day before my twenty-fifth birthday, I was in a terrible fight with my then boyfriend, I was so upset, lost, and unhappy in my life. I remember going outside, and on my sliding glass door was the first message I have acknowledged from the Universe, a giant neon green grasshopper. He stayed there for hours that day. I would constantly go outside to look at him, he was alien to me, something about him turned my stomach. I knew he had a message, I was certain the creature was here for me. He was aware what I was going through, that I was stuck and unable to move forward in my life. His message was simple, he said, "Jump."
The next day for my birthday, my then boyfriend and I drove to an amusement park. We were celebrating my birthday as if we hadn't just had a terrible fight, and pretending to be a happy couple. I was at my breaking point, I couldn't go on much longer. The last ride we chose to do was one that recorded us, and we were sent home with a DVD of the launch. When I arrived home later that day, I watched that DVD, and what happened was revolutionary to my soul. For the first time in my life I saw myself on video. I saw who I was, how I really looked to people. I had been walking around my whole life with a feeling of darkness, a feeling of not knowing who I was. Somehow this video changed that for me, I instantly connected what was going on inside of me, to who I was on the outside. I merged in to one. I realized I had the same lightness I admired in my older sisters, that I looked friendly, and approachable. I probably watched that movie a dozen times, each time connecting more and more to myself.
It wasn't long after that I saw the good in myself, that other people started to see it as well. Shortly after this experience I became friends with two women who were powerhouses of empowerment. They built me up enough to leave the relationship and set forth on the most important journey of my life. As soon as I was on my own, and single for the first time in ten years, doorway, upon doorway opened up for me. My mind was blown open to new possibilities, passions, desires, as I set out on the path to self-discovery.
After I started opening up to who I was, my life took off. I completely changed my diet, mindset, started practicing yoga, and practicing being the most positive person I could be. Within a few months I was attracting to me everything I desired, and one thing that came faster than anything was the opportunity to move to Hawaii. I will save more of the Hawaii manifestations for another blog, but after twenty five years of living in the same town I was born, I was moving to the most secluded place on the planet, alone. I spent two full years one the Hawaiian Islands, finding a way to survive and be happy by myself. I consider myself the Goldie Locks of the islands, as
The two years I spent being single were harder than any of the relationships I had been in. I had to be the one to tell me that I was beautiful, and I had to believe it. I had to be the one who loved me, and I had to mean it. I had never done these things before. I also knew that the Universe would not deliver me anyone to love me, until I accomplished this mission on my own. Just in case this mission was easily attainable, I was thrown into a fire.
Eight months in to my journey I suffered a cooking accident, I had a pressure cooker explode boiling water over my face and chest, causing first and second degree burns, and now permanent scars to remind me of this lesson. I went through weeks of pain and bandages, along with months of discoloration. This experience physically took off layers as to shed me of all the old, so that I could embrace the new. Some people say this experience put emphasis on my inner beauty, I would agree, and I know it happened for a reason. I had the option for plastic surgery to remove my scars but they are not something I am willing to part with. They are a part of me now, they are my story, they are my proof of self-love and going after my dreams. They are my battle wounds and initiation from Hawaii.
My purpose of writing this blog was to share a few words of wisdom on self love and relationships:
- People are reflections of you
- You attract what you are
- Your insecurities will be reflected to you through your partner
- We are only victims of our self
- Have a relationship with yourself
- Happiness comes from within, you will be OK without the person you are in a relationship with because you are who makes you happy
- You deserve to be with someone who loves you
- You have to know and believe in your self-worth
- Find and live in your truth
- No one can take away or change who you are
- The Universe loves you, there is limitless love for you at all times
- Be the one who says your beautiful
- Be the one who loves you the most
After two years of self discovery I am currently in a relationship. It was totally unexpected and happened within a few days of me finally giving up searching and wanting someone. It is beautiful and I am currently in Switzerland with him. I would go through everything I went through again because I know that it leads to such happiness. I am not a master of self love, or happiness, it's simply still a daily practice for me. I have a much better understanding of who I am, and what it will take to make me happy, and I will work every day to stay true to that, and myself.
