Almost Married!

I almost cannot believe I am getting married, it is something that doesn't feel quite real, but when I look at Beni I know it's right. A few months ago, five to be exact I wouldn't have imagined this very situation for myself. My life resembles a fairy tale of sorts, I definitely can write a book. Finding love in Hawaii after the many challenges I went through, meeting a Swiss prince, moving to Switzerland where we get married in a vineyard on the Alps. Lucky girl I am.

It's been a whirlwind trying to plan everything, and at times a little frustrating for me considering my inability to communicate with wedding vendors and necessary people because of the language barrier. My German is improving I must say, my weekly private instructor would agree. But in the mean time I am still very dependent among those around me to help plan the celebrations. This upcoming Friday, July 25, will be our legal wedding. Beni's mother will be my bridesmaid which I am happy about our relationship that has developed over the last couple months, and Beni's brother will stand by his side during our promise to each other. I also had to provide a translator which is a Swiss woman my age whom spent four years in the U.S. and even speaks English with an American accent. Beni's mother introduced us and she agreed to join me after I met her and her dogs for a walk in the forest. She is the first person I've spoken to in a long time that has spent much time in the states, it was very comforting. After our legal ceremony we invited Beni's closest friends and I have one girlfriend here to cocktail hour and dinner at Tres Amigos, a Mexican restaurant. I haven't had Mexican food since I left the states and have to say I am pretty excited to celebrate with margaritas and fajitas.

I am more than ecstatic for our wedding bands which we picked up last week. We were having a hard time deciding what rings to choose. Personally I have no interest in conventional wedding bands and as we were in the jewelry shop looking at Mr. and Mrs. bands, my stomach turned. This wasn't me or what I wanted, I have no attachment to diamond engagement rings and the matching bands. But what could we do? Beni suggested we go to the Crystal shop where he picked out my Swiss mountain crystal engagement ring. Beni knows my love for healing stones and crystals and he really did that right. At the crystal shop I find a ring that I like but I am not certain of the small stone inside, they tell us we can choose a stone and they will create a ring for me and a matching band for Beni. Perfect! Yes, if I am going to wear a wedding band it has to have a healing stone that is right for us and our new life together. I choose the tourmaline stone which is deep sea green in color, absolutely gorgeous and looks like the ocean. I am still a bit torn between this stone and another so I pull out my atheist pendulum which immediately gives me a huge yes for the tourmaline. When we pick up our finished rings we receive a paper explaining the stone I have chosen. It is for the heart chakra, for love, and new relationships. It brings light in to darkness and was used by ancient Egyptians and Greek goddesses, yes this is my stone. It is also one of the most sought after stones in the world and came a long way form Brazil.

We are planning a reception this coming September. This is when I will wear my beautiful wedding gown and we will invite more friends and family. I am very excited because some of my friends and family may be coming and this is very important to me. The thought of getting married without anyone from life is really not the way I want it to happen but I know that everything will work out beautifully. We have rented a beautiful winery in the mountains which will be rich in color for the fall, and will have a wonderful celebration. I am very lucky and blessed and very much in love with my Swiss Prince.

To read the full story about how I met Beni click HERE

My Empty Womb

Being a mother is one of nature's greatest gifts. It is something that I have always imagined myself being, I fantasize about having a boy or a girl, what they will look like, and I've even tossed around names. Some woman have the ability to reproduce without any troubles while others may never know the joy of conceiving. Two ectopic pregnancies both ending in the removal of my fallopian tubes, put an end to the day I longed for most, becoming pregnant naturally.

A few months ago I met my fiance while I was living in Hawaii. He was visiting the island from Switzerland, and we unexpectedly fell in love. We enjoyed a good couple months together before he had to return to Europe. We weren't sure how our relationship would continue at the time but we knew we wanted to be together. A little more than one week before his scheduled departure we were enjoying our last days together. I had a suspicion that I may be pregnant, I had tender breasts, my skin was glowing, and my eyes were more blue than normal. I looked at myself in the mirror and I just knew.

I was afraid to tell Beni, our relationship was so new, and he was leaving the country. That day he had just gotten a tattoo for his triumph of being able to walk again after spending six months in a wheelchair. His tattoo is translated to "Come and take" and has a spartan helmet with swords underneath. We were going to the drug store to get ointment for him, and I finally mustered the courage to tell him what my intuition had told me. One pregnancy test later and we knew I was pregnant.

The following day I started bleeding. I wasn't in any pain but the blood had me a little concerned. I had a history of ectopic pregnancy, and the Dr said my other fallopian tube was probably disabled as the first one didn't develop properly. We decided it would be a good idea to go to the emergency room to check it out. Upon checking in I told them I was pregnant, bleeding, and have a history of ectopic pregnancy. We waited in the waiting room for four hours that day. Each minute Beni getting more frustrated at America's health care. One thing was for certain, if everything was OK, the baby would be born in Switzerland. After a gentleman next to us asked why I was there and I said loud enough for the entire room full of people to hear, a nurse immediately came out and said she could do labs while I was waiting. I really was in disbelief.

After the long wait I was finally on my way to receiving care. I was pushed back into the ultra sound room where immediately a printed photo on the wall caught my eye. It was a black and white image of the tattoo Beni just got with two swords and the words "come and take" written underneath. I knew this was no coincidence and the universe was telling me that I am going to be OK. Back in the ER the Dr came with my results. She said there's a 50/50 chance that the pregnancy is normal and asked if I would like to undergo surgery, or wait to see if it was OK. Everything inside of me wanted the pregnancy to be normal and a 50% chance was more than enough for me to hope for it. I was really optimistic.
Even though I was happy and excited I saw the blood run from Beni's face. He is much younger than I am, and having a baby was absolutely the last thing he was ready for. I felt really selfish because I wanted this, but I could see it in his face he didn't. I feared that if I had this baby it would drive us apart.

The following evening the bleeding continued and I started to have a little pain. We went back to the ER and spent all night there. The Dr on call gave me painkillers for the pain which he assured me was OK for pregnancy. He said my results aren't any different and sent us home. The following days I had appointments to get lab work done to test my hormone levels to watch if the pregnancy continued developing. One day it didn't move at all and the next time it doubled. The Dr really gave me hope and said it looked to be progressing like a normal pregnancy. We got that news on Beni's last day on the island. He was becoming used to the idea of me being pregnant and we had grown to be optimistic together. His tourist visa was over so he had to return, he left thinking he was going to be a father.

With Beni gone, I had another appointment for an ultrasound. This time I was at an actual clinic and not an emergency room. My roommate drove me to the office and came in the ultra sound room with me. The original Dr that gave me hope was not there that day, and I was assigned a new one. I was really excited for the ultrasound results, to see the baby developing, and to be a mother. The Dr came in the room with heart crushing results. He said that there is no doubt that this is an ectopic pregnancy. That from the first night and ultrasound it was obvious along with the hormone numbers. He said the other Dr was giving me hope because I wanted to be pregnant, and I shouldn't have been prescribed painkillers with the risk of an ectopic pregnancy. It felt like a truck hit me in my stomach, all I could do was cry. I was extremely crushed and upset. Why is this happening. Why was I given all that hope only to have it taken away? Why did the universe let me get pregnant at all? I felt like the center of a sick joke.

The doc said I have two options, to have emergency surgery or to take the shot that will kill the embryo and let it pass through naturally. He assured me that the shot was the way to go so I opted for it. The office was going on lunch so I had to leave and come back in two hours for the administration. During this break my roommate drove me to the nearest beach where he laid next to me in the grass while I wept. I had never felt so weak and so lost. Why was this happening again? I called Beni to tell him the news and he was also upset. He was really troubled that he couldn't be there with me.

Before going back to the office I had a change of heart about getting the shot. In my last experience I had the shot and was sent home, only to be back in the hospital a few days later with a bursting fallopian tube and internal bleeding. What if this happened again? I live a good hour from the hospital. When I returned back to the Dr I told him I wanted the surgery. I knew inside of me that I had to have the surgery. That evening I underwent surgery to remove my last hope of a natural pregnancy. The following morning the Dr came in with my results and said that I made the right decision. That if I hadn't had the surgery, my tube would have burst again and I would have had to have it anyways. I knew that I followed my intuition and possibly saved my life or myself from a lot more pain.

I do not know if I am not meant to be a mother, or if there is a different plan for me. I have to believe there is a reason this happened to me, and that it just wasn't time for me to be a mother. On mother's day a woman wrote me on Face book telling me that whether I know it or not I am a mother to many people.  That really lifted my spirits to know that I can help people, guide them, inspire them, and influence them in some way.

To read the full story on how Beni and I met click Here