Recharge

It's been seven months since I ventured over to Switzerland to be with and marry the man I love. My time there has really been out of a fairy tale and I can count my many blessings. I would say that I could easily blend in to the culture there and I intend to work on it more when I return from my month getaway to Maui. I have the husband of my dreams as well as a supportive new family and friends. What more could a girl ask for?

I have spent the last three years of my life living on the Hawaiian islands. I moved there alone and uncertain of what would come. I had a few hundred dollars in my pocket and no expectations. Wide eyed and open hearted I looked forward to this incredible journey. During these years I moved every few months. I never had a plan, never a worry, never anything more than myself and my suitcase. I learned to trust in the Universe, to trust the good in other people. I knew that if I was pure at heart and with my intentions that I would be welcomed and always provided for. I would give as much as I would receive, although not in the same ways but I made  a promise that I would be of service however possible.

It wasn't always easy and I wasn't always the happiest but I always trusted. Then one day I met my husband who promised I wouldn't have to do it alone anymore. I have realized that living in a foreign country where a different language is spoken and an entire different culture exists can be bit lonely even surrounded by those you love.

I didn't think I would miss America, I didn't imagine myself craving certain foods or miss paying with U.S. currency. It didn't occur to me that I would yearn for small talk or many other things that give you independence on a daily basis. I am working on integrating myself into the Swiss culture which I am very fond of and I intend to learn the German language as well as the Swiss dialect but I had come to a point where I just needed a refresher. I needed to go back to the place where I am truly myself, where I can shine and communicate and do things on a daily basis. Becoming homesick is quite normal and I didn't even make it six months when I first moved to Hawaii before I had to fly home to see Wisconsin.

I am spending one month on Maui to gather myself again so that I can make it through the winter in Switzerland and have all of the oomph I need to learn a language and feel at home in another country. Unfortunately my husband couldn't join me but I am counting down the days until we are together again.

I am taking this time to gather my thoughts, ideas and intentions so that I can actively create the future I desire. I am still working towards Emilee's Healing Hut and I do daily inspirational readings on my facebook. I am a lucky girl to have my new family supporting me and a husband who recognized that I needed a break from Switzerland and sent me to my home in Maui where I have many amazing friends welcoming me back.

I realize how great and important people are in your life. During the years of constant travel and friends coming and going I know that I made some really solid ones on the way. That I have love and support all over the globe, people willing to listen and offer support whenever I am in need. I can only hope that I return all of the love that is sent to me. I acknowledge all of my blessings and give my thanks in my prayers every day.

So far I have been around the island connecting with my friends, eating my favorite foods, surfing, hiking, seeing the beautiful sights and soaking up all of the magic Maui has to offer. She has a special power about her and I intend to soak as much of it all in before I head out on the next part of my journey.

Thank you for reading and I appreciate all of the love, understanding and support.

Aloha

To watch my daily inspirational readings click HERE

My Angel Intuitive Certification Experience

Almost three years ago I set out on a life changing journey where I moved from what had been my comfort zone for twenty five years in Wisconsin to Hawaii. Before I was to embark on my soul discovering journey, a girl friend of mine did a card reading with Doreen Virtue's Angel Cards. I was completely intrigued at how accurate these cards were and even though I had never used them before, I knew and felt their power and truth.

A few months after my move to the islands I received a package of Doreen's cards from that same friend for my birthday. I didn't start using them immediately because I was caught up in my then waitress job and didn't take any quiet time to connect to myself. After a few months of possessing these cards I felt drawn to use them as I was ready for a change in my life. I desperately wanted to follow my passion of veganism but couldn't find a way to do it. Every day I would draw the same card, the card of goddess Pele. I didn't know who she was at first as I had just moved to Hawaii and wasn't reading the paragraph about her at the end of the card description. The card spoke of heart desires and passions and to go after them. It wasn't more than a few weeks later that I would find myself relocated on top of Pele herself, living near the Hawaiian volcano in Pahoa. It was here that I became a vegan chef and was able to follow my passion.

Many events and situations that happened to me gave me the undeniable certainty there there is another force working along side me. I had never been religious in my life and even cringed at the word god, but I was finding some connection between myself and all there is. I continued to use these cards for guidance through my move to another island. I ended up in Maui on the North Shore surrounded by like minded individuals. I would frequent this raw vegan restaurant which had a few decks of oracle cards behind the counter and I chose to use the Magical Fairies. I would draw them for myself and people would often ask me about them and I would encourage them to draw them for themselves. I didn't draw them for others until one day when a woman came to me while I was drawing cards for myself and asked about them. After explaining the cards I told her she was welcome to try, she had a broken arm and asked if I would shuffle them. I happily accepted and after laying them out for her she asked if I could also read them, she had forgot her glasses. In this moment I couldn't help but giggle as the Fairies were telling me that this is part of my purpose, to read the cards for people. From then on I started doing readings for anyone that asked.

A few months after this scenario, I met my now husband and moved to Switzerland. I continued to do readings online for my facebook friends for free wanting to improve myself so that I could one day start to charge. I had been praying for a mentor or someone to guide me in this area. I kept drawing a card for myself that I did not understand the meaning to, so I decided to look upon Doreen Virtue's facebook page with the intention of posting on her wall my question. When her page loaded I saw my sign loud and clear, she was coming to Switzerland! She lives in Maui where I had come from and I had never met her and now she was doing her one and only class in Zürich. I had never imagined myself meeting her even though I own several of her oracle cards now, but I knew that I had to go.


The three day seminar was held this last weekend and I am more than grateful that I was called to join. When I arrived to check in to my hotel I was given a free upgrade and an early check in. The Universe likes to reward you with following your heart and living your purpose. I wasn't sure how many people to expect but around two hundred other people were there for the same purpose as me. During the seminar Doreen was on the stage teaching us how to use not only her cards, but our intuition and being able to hear the messages from guides and angels. She also taught us how to find energy cords and use healing energy on our clients. For three days I gave and received readings to like minded individuals, each one helping increase my confidence. I learned that every reader has a little fear in the beginning and that their egos tell them they are wrong and that they aren't worth charging money for. I made some really great connections here is Switzerland which I haven't been able to do yet and am so excited for the next steps. I am creating my business page, I have designed my logo, and have to figure out the best way to deliver my services. I know that I just have to start the steps and the rest will be taken care of because it is what I am supposed to do.

On the second night of the seminar we had an angel party. We all dressed up in costume and came to dance and take photos with Doreen. She was on stage for the first hour taking photos. I walked up to her and told her who I was and that I too was from Maui, she was really excited and wanted to know why I was in Switzerland. I had never really idolized anyone in my entire life but after meeting her and feeling her energy throughout the weekend, I grew a real fondness for her. I too want to travel and speak to people, I also want to teach and help people. After seeing her in her light and power I know that I can do whatever I want to do. 

"Your grass is as green as you perceive it to be" Emilee Kern

"The grass is always greener" is a phrase you will hear time and time again. It refers to wanting what you don't have and thinking it would be better to have something opposite. I am guilty of wishing, wondering, what ifs and maybes.

Currently I live in Switzerland, I am recently married and working towards my dream profession. I am truly living the dream I created on my vision board over a year ago. I am happy and know I am where I am meant to be but when I have a hard day or a weak moment I tend to find myself wondering what would have happened if I had never left Janesville, Wisconsin.

When I decided to move from Wisconsin, my life was finally getting to where I wanted it to be. I had gone through a self transformation, recovering from years of abusive relationships I started to find my power and discover who I really was. I was in the best physical shape of my life, I was going a be a personal trainer and teach fitness classes, host educational dinner parties, I had the best of friends and I was really the happiest I had ever been. I have no idea where all of that would have taken me, but quite possibly I would have never left Janesville. I would be surrounded by the comfort of familiarity and certainty, but instead I took the road not traveled.

Right when I had it all at the tips of my fingers and I can still taste the sweetness of getting everything I wanted, I moved across the globe. I felt out of my body most of the moving process, I felt like something was pulling me there and I was just going with it. I had no idea what was going to happen but I wanted the same things I was about to have in Wisconsin to happen in Hawaii. I wanted to teach fitness classes and meet like minded people. Maybe it's that the Universe had an entirely different plan for me. I did meet like minded people and I did continue working with the food but what I got was far more than I could of expected. I got my soul torn wide open and exposed for who I truly am.  I never knew this part of myself, or connected to who I really was until I adventured by myself for two years.

Maybe those things I thought I wanted were just the tip of all that I am going to have in the end. My goal still remains the same of having a little healing hut wellness center. I know I could have achieved this if I had stayed in Wisconsin and I know that I will still achieve it, but it is because I chose to travel that I will have more wisdom, love, and spirituality to go inside of it.

I do not regret any of my choices and I know the what ifs, if I had stayed would out number the what ifs that I have now. I need travel and adventure, change and uncertainty. At the same time I miss my family and friends, my dog, and the life that I used to have. This is all changed now there is no going back to the life that I once had. I know that once I get a little further towards my dreams and establish myself a bit more it will continue to get easier. Right now while I am trying fit in another country and learn the language, it's easy to long for the comfort of home and the easiness of what could have been.
 
The time I spend thinking of my past makes me forget just for a moment how far that I have come, all that I have learned and the experiences and wisdom I have gained. I have done many things people only wish that they would do in their life time and for that I am grateful. It is constant work to live in the present and accept everything for what it is. Being happy in the now and knowing I am on the right path is something that takes practice but I understand the importance. Your grass is as green as you perceive it be. 


"The path less traveled will become smooth after your journey,  for your adventure will lead others." Emilee Kern

My American Experience in Switzerland

When I met my Swiss husband I was living in Hawaii. He was very polite and besides his accent, I really couldn't pick up much difference in our cultures. One of the few things that caught my interest was his ability to eat an entire large pizza almost elegantly, with a fork and knife. I am used to sharing a pizza with other people, grabbing a couple slices and eating with my hands. It wouldn't be until I arrived in Switzerland that I would understand his technique. I wanted to share some of the differences I have experienced while living abroad.

Pizza: Forget the deep dish or stuffed crust pizza you would get from Pizza Hut. Being close to Italy, the Swiss have delicious traditional pizza. Everyone orders their own individual pizza you eat it like you would a plate of food and with a fork and knife. If you wish to share a pizza the cook will slice it down the center and it will be served to you as a half. Quite different from putting a pie in the center of the table for everyone to have a slice. There is no crushed red peppers or Parmesan cheese waiting to top the pizza but hot pepper oil can be used by request.

Restaurants: Seat yourself and water is not given out freely, you must order a bottle of water if you desire or a different beverage. Servers make a good salary and it is not necessary to tip but you are welcome to give a few franks for excellent service. This means that the server doesn't need to rush you out of your seat to turn tables and make more money, there is calm and patience at the restaurant and the bill is not delivered until you ask. Almost every restaurant I have been to has the same dessert menu: gelato, frappes, and a seasonal fruit pie. Oh and the pie is usually eaten with your hands while the pizza is eaten with cutlery. I've noted to keep both hands above the dinner table during a meal. I was told that is how you can tell I am American because I eat with one hand on my lap. I also try to eat each meal utilizing both the knife and the fork, but my 29 years of using the fork as a knife make this quite a challenge. Also aligning the silver wear in such a way to let my server know I am finished and neatly folding my napkin underneath them. I have become more conscious about the polite eating etiquette and it's quite fun to participate in. I reflect back on the many years of myself being a waitress and how it wasn't always easy to tell if a guest was finished or not. 

Coffee: You won't get a cup of drip coffee with unlimited refills here. You will get one cup of delicious creamy coffee with a little cookie on the side. Even for the caffeine addict, two cups is the maximum you need. Every household has a single cup coffee machine and it's very common to enjoy a cup after every meal.

Chocolate: Oh the Swiss chocolate, you find a man that has been eating Swiss chocolate his whole life, and you have found one spoiled man. You won't find or need Hershey's chocolate here just creamy, delicious, Swiss chocolate.

Dogs: I was quite surprised to see dogs almost everywhere here. At restaurants, clothing stores, pretty much anywhere that is other wised marked, you may bring your furry companion. Bring your dog to sit outside with you for dinner and the waiter brings him a bowl of water, yes your dog gets free water but you don't. Doggy trash bags can be found at almost every park or common area you would have your pet. This is to encourage cleanliness. Special green doggy bag trash cans can be found as well to collect what your pet leaves behind.

Garbage: You cannot buy a bulk of plastic garbage bags here and expect to throw away your trash in them. You must buy city specific garbage bags, about 15 CHF for a roll of 10 and discard them in specific collection bins. Recycling is highly promoted here also and you can find bins in every neighborhood.

Grocery Stores: Once you have squeezed your way in to a tiny parking stall in the parking garage, you grab yourself a shopping wagon which you must put a deposit in to free it from it's chain lock. Switzerland takes pride in sustainability and you will find an abundance of local food and products. You must weigh and label your own produce and either bring your own shopping bags or buy them. You won't find shelf after shelf of processed junk food, chips, or soda. Yes they do have these items but not in great quantities. Produce, Meat, Dairy, and fresh Bakery items maintain a majority of the stores.

Swiss made: Switzerland has high standards for food consumption and encourages local productivity. If they are selling a global brand, they try produce it with Swiss products. Even their McDonald's hamburgers consist of 100% Swiss beef, of course that means no dollar menu. Switzerland is a country of quality, everything is built to last. There aren't any super stores or dollar stores to buy the cheapest plastic items you can find. People live in there homes for decades and remodel when it is necessary.

Doors and windows: Every door has a key lock. Yes you have to use a key to enter as well as exit your front door. Most of the doors have handles instead of knobs. The windows don't slide up, you turn the handle half way and the window opens towards you, turn the handle all of the way, and the window cracks a bit. There aren't any screens on the windows and most have metal blinds on the outside.

Toilets: Although the bowls are similar, to flush you won't have to find a handle but push a button on the wall.

Round abouts: Most four way stop lights have been removed and replaced with a four entrance round about. This keeps the traffic continually moving. The person to the left has the "right of way."

Responsibility: The age for drinking beer and wine is 16 and 18 for spirits. The age for driving a car is 18 but one may drive a special moped from the age of 14.

People: I would describe the Swiss is hardworking, polite, and obedient. I was impressed during my recent visit to a water park. I worked as a lifeguard at a similar park in the States. Every slide was monitored and we wore whistles to keep children aware of the rules. I was surprised to see no life guards on the slides here. Everyone obeyed when the lights turned, they helped each other with the rafts, no one was pushy or trying to break the rules. Even the children unaccompanied by adults knew the proper way to play at this water park. It was calmness from the chaos that I usually whiteness at a water park. It was very refreshing.

Every day is a new experience here. Every day I have an inward journey as well as an outward one. I love to share my experiences and I will continue to add to this list. Thank you for reading my view of Switzerland. 

How I lived out of one suitcase for two years.

Take a look around your room, your house, the place that you call home. I am probably right in saying that you are surrounded by the things you love, have collected, and owned for many years. Your closet is full of the clothes you love for all occasions and seasons, shoes for all weather, jackets, hats, accessories. Your walls and stands decorated with photographs of loved ones and knick knacks you've accumulated over the years. This is your stuff, the stuff that makes you feel at home, the stuff containing your memories and hold you close to dear loved ones.

Now if you were anything like me, you may have more stuff than you need. Rewind my life to three years ago and you will see a girl with large plastic tote containers filled with clothes. Clothes that I would never wear again but saving for a what if moment, my closet filled with shoes I received monthly from I am ashamed to say, Kim Kardashian website. I also shelled out a lot of money on name brand purses. I had drawers of makeup, accessories, hair products and irons. I had everything I could ever need and then some. All of this made up my possessions until the day I decided to move from my life of 26 years in Wisconsin to Hawaii.

I didn't know it when I bought the large purple suitcase several years ago, that this would be the space in which I could fit all of my belongings for over two years. I packed my suitcase and said goodbye to the comfort of having a lot, to only the necessities. Of course living on Oahu close to the beach meant I only needed minimal, my swimsuits and a few clothing items. I still had a hard time letting go and choosing which was most important. After about six months living on one island, I hopped over to another. Here I stayed on a community farm in the wet jungle. The only thing needed here was clothes to wear while hacking down cane grass and banana trees. It was a sustainability farm where we didn't create much waste, only compost. I really learned to live off of the land and the idea of materialism really began to feel suffocating. I lost interest in fashion for the three months I was there, I didn't need much, and didn't want much either. If I wanted new clothes I did something I had never done before, I bought them used. There was a farmers market that people could sell their clothing at, most things cost about one dollar. I was learning to let go of what I was attached to for so long.

After my time on the farm I packed all of my belongings in to one suitcase again and moved to Maui. If I accumulated more than I could fit in my bag, I would give the extra away. I knew that I would always find more, I would always have enough. I spent much of my time as a nanny and cook for families on this island. One of the mothers I worked for let me borrow a lot of her clothes, and I also had friends I would do clothing swaps with. I didn't want to buy a lot or accumulate much stuff because I was always moving. About every three months I would pack my suitcase and live someplace new, having too much stuff just frustrated me. Although it was easier to live this way, I would often find myself thinking of all of my old clothes and things I had in my old life. I would find myself emotional wishing I still had certain things, but I would remind myself of the path I chose and that traveling made me happier than coach purses.

The last few months I spent on Hawaii I really thought I was going to settle. For the first time in two years I had my own bedroom, my own sheets. I created my own artwork, and had little knick knacks, and even a closet. I started to create my life and myself, started to feel that comfort of a home. I even had my mother send me some of my favorite shoes and purses. I was combining all of what I had learned about materialism with a good balance of having a little. A few weeks later I decided to move 8,000 miles away to be with my now husband Beni in Switzerland.

Once again I packed my suitcase this time possessing much more than the times before. I had to give away a lot this time, once again saying goodbye to things I had grown fond of. It's been a repeated lesson for me, not becoming attached and letting go, understanding that I do not own anything. When I arrived to the airport my one suitcase was twenty pounds over weight. I had to throw away many items just to fit the weight limit. I arrived to Switzerland without much of my own, and once again I was provided for. Beni's mother has been very generous going through her closet and giving me things to wear. She says, "A woman has to have options" and really cannot believe I have lived out of one suitcase for over two years.

I have been very blessed on my journey and have experienced a world wide community of people coming together as my friends, guides, and mentors. I feel grateful to have gone through every lesson that I have. I still enjoy having beautiful clothes and possessing things that make me feel happy but I now a have healthy relationship with materialism. There was a time when I spent every last cent on clothes, and now I know how irrelevant that is to my happiness. 

Almost Married!

I almost cannot believe I am getting married, it is something that doesn't feel quite real, but when I look at Beni I know it's right. A few months ago, five to be exact I wouldn't have imagined this very situation for myself. My life resembles a fairy tale of sorts, I definitely can write a book. Finding love in Hawaii after the many challenges I went through, meeting a Swiss prince, moving to Switzerland where we get married in a vineyard on the Alps. Lucky girl I am.

It's been a whirlwind trying to plan everything, and at times a little frustrating for me considering my inability to communicate with wedding vendors and necessary people because of the language barrier. My German is improving I must say, my weekly private instructor would agree. But in the mean time I am still very dependent among those around me to help plan the celebrations. This upcoming Friday, July 25, will be our legal wedding. Beni's mother will be my bridesmaid which I am happy about our relationship that has developed over the last couple months, and Beni's brother will stand by his side during our promise to each other. I also had to provide a translator which is a Swiss woman my age whom spent four years in the U.S. and even speaks English with an American accent. Beni's mother introduced us and she agreed to join me after I met her and her dogs for a walk in the forest. She is the first person I've spoken to in a long time that has spent much time in the states, it was very comforting. After our legal ceremony we invited Beni's closest friends and I have one girlfriend here to cocktail hour and dinner at Tres Amigos, a Mexican restaurant. I haven't had Mexican food since I left the states and have to say I am pretty excited to celebrate with margaritas and fajitas.

I am more than ecstatic for our wedding bands which we picked up last week. We were having a hard time deciding what rings to choose. Personally I have no interest in conventional wedding bands and as we were in the jewelry shop looking at Mr. and Mrs. bands, my stomach turned. This wasn't me or what I wanted, I have no attachment to diamond engagement rings and the matching bands. But what could we do? Beni suggested we go to the Crystal shop where he picked out my Swiss mountain crystal engagement ring. Beni knows my love for healing stones and crystals and he really did that right. At the crystal shop I find a ring that I like but I am not certain of the small stone inside, they tell us we can choose a stone and they will create a ring for me and a matching band for Beni. Perfect! Yes, if I am going to wear a wedding band it has to have a healing stone that is right for us and our new life together. I choose the tourmaline stone which is deep sea green in color, absolutely gorgeous and looks like the ocean. I am still a bit torn between this stone and another so I pull out my atheist pendulum which immediately gives me a huge yes for the tourmaline. When we pick up our finished rings we receive a paper explaining the stone I have chosen. It is for the heart chakra, for love, and new relationships. It brings light in to darkness and was used by ancient Egyptians and Greek goddesses, yes this is my stone. It is also one of the most sought after stones in the world and came a long way form Brazil.

We are planning a reception this coming September. This is when I will wear my beautiful wedding gown and we will invite more friends and family. I am very excited because some of my friends and family may be coming and this is very important to me. The thought of getting married without anyone from life is really not the way I want it to happen but I know that everything will work out beautifully. We have rented a beautiful winery in the mountains which will be rich in color for the fall, and will have a wonderful celebration. I am very lucky and blessed and very much in love with my Swiss Prince.

To read the full story about how I met Beni click HERE

My Empty Womb

Being a mother is one of nature's greatest gifts. It is something that I have always imagined myself being, I fantasize about having a boy or a girl, what they will look like, and I've even tossed around names. Some woman have the ability to reproduce without any troubles while others may never know the joy of conceiving. Two ectopic pregnancies both ending in the removal of my fallopian tubes, put an end to the day I longed for most, becoming pregnant naturally.

A few months ago I met my fiance while I was living in Hawaii. He was visiting the island from Switzerland, and we unexpectedly fell in love. We enjoyed a good couple months together before he had to return to Europe. We weren't sure how our relationship would continue at the time but we knew we wanted to be together. A little more than one week before his scheduled departure we were enjoying our last days together. I had a suspicion that I may be pregnant, I had tender breasts, my skin was glowing, and my eyes were more blue than normal. I looked at myself in the mirror and I just knew.

I was afraid to tell Beni, our relationship was so new, and he was leaving the country. That day he had just gotten a tattoo for his triumph of being able to walk again after spending six months in a wheelchair. His tattoo is translated to "Come and take" and has a spartan helmet with swords underneath. We were going to the drug store to get ointment for him, and I finally mustered the courage to tell him what my intuition had told me. One pregnancy test later and we knew I was pregnant.

The following day I started bleeding. I wasn't in any pain but the blood had me a little concerned. I had a history of ectopic pregnancy, and the Dr said my other fallopian tube was probably disabled as the first one didn't develop properly. We decided it would be a good idea to go to the emergency room to check it out. Upon checking in I told them I was pregnant, bleeding, and have a history of ectopic pregnancy. We waited in the waiting room for four hours that day. Each minute Beni getting more frustrated at America's health care. One thing was for certain, if everything was OK, the baby would be born in Switzerland. After a gentleman next to us asked why I was there and I said loud enough for the entire room full of people to hear, a nurse immediately came out and said she could do labs while I was waiting. I really was in disbelief.

After the long wait I was finally on my way to receiving care. I was pushed back into the ultra sound room where immediately a printed photo on the wall caught my eye. It was a black and white image of the tattoo Beni just got with two swords and the words "come and take" written underneath. I knew this was no coincidence and the universe was telling me that I am going to be OK. Back in the ER the Dr came with my results. She said there's a 50/50 chance that the pregnancy is normal and asked if I would like to undergo surgery, or wait to see if it was OK. Everything inside of me wanted the pregnancy to be normal and a 50% chance was more than enough for me to hope for it. I was really optimistic.
Even though I was happy and excited I saw the blood run from Beni's face. He is much younger than I am, and having a baby was absolutely the last thing he was ready for. I felt really selfish because I wanted this, but I could see it in his face he didn't. I feared that if I had this baby it would drive us apart.

The following evening the bleeding continued and I started to have a little pain. We went back to the ER and spent all night there. The Dr on call gave me painkillers for the pain which he assured me was OK for pregnancy. He said my results aren't any different and sent us home. The following days I had appointments to get lab work done to test my hormone levels to watch if the pregnancy continued developing. One day it didn't move at all and the next time it doubled. The Dr really gave me hope and said it looked to be progressing like a normal pregnancy. We got that news on Beni's last day on the island. He was becoming used to the idea of me being pregnant and we had grown to be optimistic together. His tourist visa was over so he had to return, he left thinking he was going to be a father.

With Beni gone, I had another appointment for an ultrasound. This time I was at an actual clinic and not an emergency room. My roommate drove me to the office and came in the ultra sound room with me. The original Dr that gave me hope was not there that day, and I was assigned a new one. I was really excited for the ultrasound results, to see the baby developing, and to be a mother. The Dr came in the room with heart crushing results. He said that there is no doubt that this is an ectopic pregnancy. That from the first night and ultrasound it was obvious along with the hormone numbers. He said the other Dr was giving me hope because I wanted to be pregnant, and I shouldn't have been prescribed painkillers with the risk of an ectopic pregnancy. It felt like a truck hit me in my stomach, all I could do was cry. I was extremely crushed and upset. Why is this happening. Why was I given all that hope only to have it taken away? Why did the universe let me get pregnant at all? I felt like the center of a sick joke.

The doc said I have two options, to have emergency surgery or to take the shot that will kill the embryo and let it pass through naturally. He assured me that the shot was the way to go so I opted for it. The office was going on lunch so I had to leave and come back in two hours for the administration. During this break my roommate drove me to the nearest beach where he laid next to me in the grass while I wept. I had never felt so weak and so lost. Why was this happening again? I called Beni to tell him the news and he was also upset. He was really troubled that he couldn't be there with me.

Before going back to the office I had a change of heart about getting the shot. In my last experience I had the shot and was sent home, only to be back in the hospital a few days later with a bursting fallopian tube and internal bleeding. What if this happened again? I live a good hour from the hospital. When I returned back to the Dr I told him I wanted the surgery. I knew inside of me that I had to have the surgery. That evening I underwent surgery to remove my last hope of a natural pregnancy. The following morning the Dr came in with my results and said that I made the right decision. That if I hadn't had the surgery, my tube would have burst again and I would have had to have it anyways. I knew that I followed my intuition and possibly saved my life or myself from a lot more pain.

I do not know if I am not meant to be a mother, or if there is a different plan for me. I have to believe there is a reason this happened to me, and that it just wasn't time for me to be a mother. On mother's day a woman wrote me on Face book telling me that whether I know it or not I am a mother to many people.  That really lifted my spirits to know that I can help people, guide them, inspire them, and influence them in some way.

To read the full story on how Beni and I met click Here

My Birthday in Paris V "The Strike" (Mini Series)

It is our last day in this cultured city of love. We spend our last hours packing and enjoying one last meal before we have to get to the train station and make our way back to Switzerland. It really has been an amazing adventure of historical sites, bus tours, metro rides, delicious food, and French champagne. I am overly happy to be leaving this country an engaged woman, the bond between Beni and I undeniably stronger. I am excited to return home to the pristine country I have called my home the last two months.

Packed and ready we take what we assume to be our last metro ride to the train station. We have about fifteen minutes until the scheduled train departure. We find our assigned track and discover dozens of passengers gathered about waiting to board the train. There is at first confusion as to why no one is allowed to get on. I glance at the ancient clock hanging above and a little panic runs through me as I see the time before departure getting nearer. What is going on? Too many people are in front of us, we cannot see what the hold up is. To my left I see a woman with a large camera cutting through the crowd to the front. She sets up and starts to film us. Another man is near the trains holding a smart phone recording the crowds.  Suspicion comes over me and I start to feel concern for our situation.

The hands of the large clock tick closer and closer to boarding time. There is no way we could all board this train in time for departure. Panic starts to hit the group of traveling people. I look to Beni and he is frustrated, he doesn't have a clue either why no one can get aboard. More and more people are behind us intending on taking this train to Zurich. It is Sunday afternoon, many people like Beni have to get home to work the following Monday. Voices of concern soon turn to voices of outrage as we are running out of minutes. People shouting in languages I do not speak are raising arms to shake their tickets at the train employees.

I can see to the front now. A row of red-vested train employees stand with emotionless faces towards the crowd. A barricade separates the workers from the passengers. A few security guards stand next to the employees. There is no concern from these individuals as they stare back at us and tell us we cannot board, it is not their fault they do not know what is going on. There is a push from behind and I look to see persons with rage struck faces trying to make their way through the front. There is pushing from behind me and a push back from in front of me. I am standing behind Beni clinging to his backpack for dear life. Fear runs over me as I have no idea how this will turn out. At one point I have been pushed so much I almost fall over and if that happens I will for sure be trampled. To my right a frightened mother stands holding an infant baby. She covers his head as chaos forms around her. The train employees start to tell us we can take the later train and this sends outrage through the crowd. One German speaking man becomes over turned with fury as he yells and puts his middle in finger every train worker's face. The security guards come in to action and make him back off. Everyone is angry and wanting to board this train. They have travel plans and places to be.

I watch as the hands of the clock hit out departure time and the train takes off, leaving all of the passengers behind. There is a lot of screaming and angry words being said as all of us are ushered away from the track and in to an area marked with a white line. We are told to wait here for three hours until the next train. This is impossible, we all have tickets and the later train will for sure be full. Beni and I have no idea what is going on or why we were just treated that way. I felt like I was in another world and time. Beni makes some phone calls to his family back in Switzerland. We find out from them that the French train employees were on strike and would not allow us to board this train. That these people were striking for higher salary in turn for ruining hundreds of people's days. I would never imagine that such a thing could be possible.

It is uncertain when and if we could get a train ride back to our country so we have to book a flight instead. The flight will not take off until the following day so we must get a hotel room. Beni's family quickly books these for us while we are still at the train station. The hotel is located near the airport so we must take a subway there. Once again we get on board an underground train car. Crammed shoulder to shoulder with other passengers we start to move forward. After a few minutes the car starts slowing down. I can see the graffiti on the cement walls more clearly as the train comes to a complete stop. We aren't to the designated stop yet, why have we stopped here underground? Panic rushes over me as I fear this train too is on strike. What would happen if we were trapped in this humid car full of frustrated people?

After a few minutes the train starts up again and we finally make it to the hotel. After a few hours travel and much frustration we find ourselves in a hotel room again. This time it's not a rustic love room, but a more generic travel hotel. We make our way downstairs for  a quick dinner before we fall asleep. A television in the restaurant shows the news of the train strike, displaying the hundreds of angry passengers who had no way home that day. People forced to get another hotel room, a flight home, and make other arrangements. I hope that everyone was as fortunate as us.

We wake up the next day more than ready to leave France. Beni is really upset with what happened as something like this would never happen in Switzerland. He kept his cool the entire time even though at some points I thought he would lose it. He really is a true Swiss gentleman. We are more than relieved when we finally arrive back in the safety of the Swiss Alps. I almost want to kiss the ground I am so thankful to be back in the clean streets of Chur where people are courteous and polite. I have truly become spoiled living here Switzerland and my expectations of humans has grown since I've experienced the culture here.

Like many other things in life there always has to be a balance. Nothing is for free, and if it's worth it, it won't always be easy. Even though the last day was frustrating in Paris, I knew that we had experienced so much good and we are very fortunate in so many ways, that this little hiccup was  a reminder to stay grateful for all that we have. To be grateful for the convenience of everyday luxuries. Paris was a wonderful trip even if it made us pay a little in the end.

To read the full series of My Birthday in Paris, click Here.

To read how Beni and I met, click Here.

Wedding Dress Shopping

Every young girl imagines the day she will get married. She's enjoyed a fantasy or two about what her dress will look like, the colors she will choose, as well as her dream location. This fantasy may change with age, and some women may even loose the desire for a wedding after life experiences. Until recently it had been a good amount of time since I had thought about getting married or what my wedding day would be like. I've spent the last two years trying to stray away from conventional thinking and really listen to what it is that I would like to do.  I put focus on my own beliefs and developing my own traditions, I don't aim to live my life the way everyone does just because that's the way it's always been done. I like to follow the beat of my own heart, my own inner guidance, and do what sits right in my soul.

Almost two weeks ago my boyfriend proposed to me. I am a citizen of the United States and he is a Swiss citizen. Our wedding will have to happen in the next couple months if we want to remain in the same country together. We do not want to be separated again and are both looking forward to our union. We plan to have just a small wedding with his family here in Switzerland, just the legal ceremony and a dinner party following. We plan one day to be able to share our marriage with my family in Wisconsin, I really want them to be a part of it. Since we are planning a small celebration I didn't think it was necessary to wear an extravegant gown. I was considering something light blue and lacy, with off the shoulder cap sleeves. I didn't necessarily see myself in a white wedding dress or at least I was trying to convince myself that I didn't want or need to wear one. I thought I was going to the bridal gown shop well prepared to search for a cocktail dress.

Yesterday, my fiancé Beni and his mother accompanied me to the dress shop. I walked in excited and certain I would find something I liked. As the woman came to greet us she spoke in german, I am the only one who cannot speak german. Beni explains I only speak english so the woman does the best she can to communicate with me in english. I am always grateful when people here try to accomodate me and speak my language, and sometimes it can get frustrating to have such a barrier. I explain to her what I am looking for and she directs me towards the bridesmaids gowns. All of these dresses have far too much material and are not at all like the picture I have in my mind. I am not certain she understands the details I explain. Beni suggests maybe looking at the white simple gowns, we make our towards the bridal gowns. As I am walking, a dress on a mannequin catches my eyes. It is beautifully simple and absolutely unique in this store. Long laced sleeves with flower details grace the sides of this vintage 70's looking gown. It is not too extravegant, it's quite elegant, and just like when I first saw my fiancé I thought there was no way this could be mine. I do not say anything about this gown and I walk towards the large selection of some bride's dream dresses. I comb through them and there is absolutely nothing I am interested in. I try one on just to please the woman trying to help me.

Kathi and Me

It is not my style, so Beni's mother suggests we look at short dresses. Beni's mother  Kathi is a beautiful woman, she always tries her best to speak english with me and is the perfect mother. She is caring and kind, and since the day I arrived has made sure I feel comfortable here in Switzerland. She's given me many of her clothes because I didn't have enough and she takes me to german lessons once a week. All of my fiancés family is very loving and accepting of me. I know that I am extremely blessed with my future husband and in laws. I walk over towards the rack housing the short wedding dresses, while Beni's mom and the woman try to show me some. They are both speaking in german, none of these dresses are what I had in mind, and my head is starting to spin. Just as I start to feel a little frustrated, panicked, and unsure how I am going to find a dress, Beni grabs my hand from behind and says, "Come with me darling." As the two woman continue their efforts I walk with Beni towards that dress that had called to me when we first walked by it. I love this dress but am afraid it is too much for our celebration, Beni assures me that this dress is perfect and that I should try it on.

I read that the dress is in my size even though it looks very petite on the mannequin. We ask the woman to try it on and she assures me that it is too small and to order my size would take a few months, I am almost disheartened. I take it in the fitting room and start to slip it on, the woman is helping but still convinced it isn't my size. I fit my arms through and pull it up, it fits perfectly, I knew it would. She gives me simple heels to wear with it and I walk out of the room in front of the big mirror. Beni stands when he sees me and gives me that dimple surrounded grin. God he is handsome. He tells me he loves it and that it reminds him of fairies, which if you know me you would understand. The three of them speak in German together and I have no idea what is being said. Does Kathi like it? Is it too much for our ceremony? Does it look terrible on me? At this point I feel sadness that my own mother and sisters aren't here to give me advice. I do not feel confident so I try on the short dresses the women have chosen for me. They are all beautiful but I don't feel that they are me. My fairy dress sticks in my mind but I don't know what they think so I suggest maybe we can keep looking and think about it. I am surprised when Beni's mother suggests I put the vintage dress back on, and I slide easily back in to it. She tells me how she had spotted this one too when we first walked in and if it's mine then it's mine. She is very sweet and I know she wants to make sure I am comfortable and happy with my decisions. I feel relief and excitement. I am overwhelmed with the joy that I have found my very own wedding dress.

To read the full story on how Beni and I met click Here

To read my full blog click Here

Dress Source Here

My Birthday in Paris IV (Mini Series)

 To read parts 1-3 and to read how I met Beni, please read my full blog Here.

Our second day in Paris is the day to explore. The underground metro system is the fastest way to travel. We spend a majority of our trip navigating the city, crossing paths with hundreds of people daily. We set out to see the sites, the first thing on the list is the Eiffelturm, the Eiffel Tower. I remember a few years back when I had my own apartment, my bathroom decor was Paris. Eiffel Tower shower curtain, high heel photos, little French trinkets lined my counter tops. I am not quite sure why I chose this theme. I honestly never saw myself actually being in Paris one day, but when I saw that Eiffelturm something inside of me got jittery and excited. Beni said my eyes sparkled when I saw it, I felt the attraction and awe immediately upon laying my eyes on this historical beauty. This is it, this is Paris! I am here and with Beni, oh am I lucky and ever so happy. It really was quite a rush. Hundreds of people gathered around this giant romantic sight taking photographs. Huge gushing water spouts create an enormous pool of water where one can sit by to enjoy the view. Every few feet someone is trying to sell souvenirs , tiny replicas of this iconic beast, but nothing can mimic it's towering mass.

We take a few pictures together, one of my favorite being of our tattoos with the tower between. We both got our tattoos done in Maui, his is a Spartan saying translated to "Come and take" after his crippling back problems and not being able to walk for six months. My tattoo represents the healing I went through in Maui and is translated to "The ocean is full of waves." We both have struggled and survived and know that we don't have to do it alone anymore as we have each other to help carry the weight.

It's time to see some other sites and we find an open air bus tour that allows us to sit on top while it drives around the big city. This is quite convenient for Beni and I as we are both what we consider terrible tourists. We don't enjoy walking too far or waiting in outrageous lines, seeing the view from the comfort of a chair seemed quite inviting. The tour comes with headphones if you would like to hear the history of the sites, but Beni and I enjoy talking so we opt out. Being in the City of Love is quite enough for us. Seeing everything and experiencing each other fulfills our trip. I got some great photos and really enjoyed all of the delicate details carved into each building and the patience it took to create such master pieces. This day is all about the bus tour, after it's finished we go back to our comfortable American restaurant and have lunch. We are still celebrating my birthday of course so again in the evening, we drink more champagne and celebrate life.

We plan our last full day with actually going in to historical buildings that we really want to see. We each choose one and for me it's the Sacré-Coeur, Sacred Heart church. This was the one building that really called to me. It resembled a palace to me, a beautiful giant building topped with soft voluptuous curves. Something called to me here. There is a great walk of stairs to climb before you earn the right to grace the halls of this cavernous church. We walk inside and hundreds of people are quietly walking around, admiring the intricate details of this place of worship. A thousand candles burn, lit from people who came to appreciate these halls. Beni and I light a large white candle together in honor of our new love and engagement. Photos are not allowed to take place here but I sneak on of our hands and my engagement ring next to our candle of love.

We make our way out of the building and on to Beni's choice of exploration, Chateau De Versailles, the military museum. Beni has a life long dream of being a man of military, and even though he suffered back problems from his short time in the Swiss military, still has that dream. With our marital union it will become possible for him to join the U.S. military. I think it's important to hold on to your dreams, there is always a way if they are meant to be. He is in awe and curiosity as we go through floors and decades of battle and military memorabilia. I personally enjoy the medieval weapons like finely jeweled swords and Beni prefers the guns. We both admire the knight and shinning armor displays. After our tour through history we also make a stop at Las Invalides, the tomb of Napoleon. These buildings are masterpieces in themselves, such beauty lies on every inch. The presence of each building is really powerful, they triumphantly say, "Here I am in all my glory."       

                  

      Below is a photo of Beni with Napoleon's tomb. 

 We head back the the comfort of our Republique square. Again we find a nice outside area where we drink more French bubbles and appreciate each other's company, Beni sings me a birthday song even though it is a few days past. We try a little French food this night since the majority of our other meals were served from the American restaurant. It's such a nice trip we have together, mostly focusing on enjoying each other and seeing what we can in-between kisses and embraces. We head back to our little sanctuary hotel room for what we think is going to be our last night in France....

To read my complete blog click Here.

"The Proposal" My Birthday in Paris Part III (Mini Series)

Click Here for part I and Click Here for part II of My Birthday in Paris mini series.

Once we have checked in to our rustic hotel room, and are prepared to freshen up after our travel, Beni asks if I would like one of my Birthday presents. I was surprised that there were more than one, and one was more than expected as I considered the trip itself the best gift a girl can receive. I eagerly accept my gift and open a small bag that I know instantly is coming from the crystal shop in the town we live in. I have been in to crystals and stones and their healing properties for a couple years now. They help me stay grounded in my spiritual practice as well as my day to day life. We stumbled upon this store together one day as we were walking through the historical part of town. Beni has been very supportive of my beliefs since he himself has had his own experiences. Growing up his mother always told him to "Send his wishes to the Universe" and after his crippling back pain which prevented him from fulfilling his life long dreams in the Swiss military, he had really disbelieved this theory, until he met me. His mother and I are a lot alike, which brings our relationship and new Swiss family even closer. I open the bag to find a precious heart shaped rose quartz crystal. Rose quartz is for the heart. It is for unconditional love of oneself and others, and speaks directly to the heart chakra. This delicate stone has a hole drilled through to be worn as jewelry which I will wrap myself a necklace, but wore it on it's temporary string for my birthday. It truly is the perfect stone for the City of Love.

Now that I am complete with my precious love stone, we head to the city with every intention of drinking champagne. Beni pulls out the Paris map and navigates us in the direction towards where he is sure we will find a nice spot. He has been to Paris a couple times before, living in Switzerland makes this travel convenient. I become proud of his navigation abilities during this trip, he likes to take the lead  and he is quite good at it, I just relax and follow him. As we arrive closer to our destination of the Seine River, something catches my eye. A grand building towers over us, delicately detailed yet strongly structured is the Notre Dame. I am excited to see the first cultural masterpiece. We sit down in front of this giant, tired from our long walk here. It finally feels real that I am here in Paris, this building is undeniable proof that I am in this famous place, on my birthday. We scout the nearby area for a place to have our celebratory bottle, and find our target right across the street. A conveniently named little cafe sits right on the corner with direct view of the building that inspired it's name, the Notre Dame.

We have a seat on the side walk, two person tables line the outside of building so people can sit side by side enjoying the view of the city. A waiter comes to greet us and I get to hear my handsome fellow order us a fine bottle in French. I am in awe every time I hear him speak a different language, I envy his ability as I myself am just starting to learn German. The Spanish I took in high school isn't quite as romantic as the French or Italian this man speaks. As the waiter delivers our selection, he delicately opens the cork so it lets off a gentle sigh, and pours us each a glass. Accompanying our bubbles is a small plate of french cookies and candies, how sweet. Beni and I toast to my birthday, to us, to everything we have been through, and what's yet to come. We sit for good while, sipping French champagne, sharing stories, watching tourists walk up and down the streets, all with the backdrop of Notre Dame and the Seine River, Happy Birthday to me.

It is still very warm and sunny as we finish our little cafe celebration. We would like to find something to eat and make our way back to the Place de Republic, the public square that neighbors our hotel. We choose a restaurant named Indiana, an American restaurant. Yes I know I am in Paris and I should have probably tried French cuisine, but I've also been abroad for over a month and I have a craving for my roots. We enjoy some comfort food for dinner and make our way back to the hotel.

We are laughing and having a great evening as we arrive to our little Paris hotel room. We fall on the the bed next to each other, so full of energy and excitement from our wonderful first day. Beni looks at me with a more serious face and asks if I would like my second gift, I get the butterflies of anticipation and eagerly say yes, nearly jumping up and down like a child. This is the first time in my life someone has planned such a day for me, or taken the time to make sure every minute of my birthday is special. I stay seated on the bed as he goes to the safe and removes a small ribbon tied box for me. I am absolutely stunned that he is giving me a what looks like a ring box, wrapped in a baby blue paper with white polka dots. I imagined my second gift being another stone, maybe a large amethyst which wouldn't come in a box like this.

Patiently I try to remove the bow and the wrapping even though I could easily tear it all in one try. I am nervous because I know it is jewelry, I feel shy and my cheeks are warm. My chest is tight and my hands are shaky a bit. I get the paper off and when I see the box I know immediately that it is from the same crystal shop as my necklace. Excitement really rushes through me because I have no idea what could possibly come from there in such a nicely wrapped package. I open the small black box and my eyes jump widely open as I see the single stone ring gently cradled in a soft black foam. I look to Beni as he is eagerly sitting next to me on the bed, he as excited as I. He looks to me, and he is a bit nervous, asks "Would you like to be married to me?" At least he has every intention of asking me the full question but before he is finished, I throw my arms around him and shout "Yes!" He puts the ring on my finger and we fall on our backs again laughing and really taking in the moment.

We had talked about marriage before. We knew if we wanted to be together it is something that we have to consider. Us being together forever is something that we have talked about since very early on in the relationship as we believe we have been together in many life times before. I some what expected him to propose in Paris, but for him to propose with a crystal, and not just any crystal but a Swiss mountain crystal is really special for me. I do not share the same attachment to diamonds as many others. I do not value a stone on it's price or popularity. I value a stone on it's healing abilities, it's origins, and the energy I feel from it. How special to have a stone from the very mountains that cuddle us in the valley we call home in Switzerland. What could be more meaningful than a crystal formed in the mountains where my future husband is from? This particular crystal is specifically for three zodiac signs, one of them being mine, the Gemini. Just like the rose quartz, the mountain crystal is for the heart, and is also an energy stone.

It is the eve before this month's full moon. This full moon is about travel, adventure, and relationships. Perfectly aligned as I fall asleep that night very full filled and happy with where my life has taken me. When I was dreaming of my future the previous months, I never expected all of this for myself. I know that I am truly blessed and I am grateful for all that is in my life. We wake up the next day early, we have only been in this city one day, there is much more to see and to explore....

If you would like to read the full story on how Beni and I met click HERE

My Birthday in Paris Part II (Mini Series)

To read Part I of my birthday series click here

It's 4 a.m. on my birthday and Beni and I must get up and ready to catch the train. Beni greets me with a birthday song, a song that he would sing daily to me over the course of our Paris visit. We make it to the station with plenty of time to get an apple juice for the ride. I love the apple juice in Switzerland, it's carbonated which makes it quite refreshing, especially following a chocolate croissant. Beni and I take our seats next to the window, we are facing each other, separated by a small table where we enjoy our little breakfast on the go. The train starts to go and I realize that I do not enjoy sitting backwards on this trip, trying to focus on the world flying by me in reverse makes me a little dizzy. Sitting on the other side next to Beni sounds better anyways so I switch seats. A few hours later and one transfer, we arrive in Paris.

My first impression is made by a giant train station, the extravagant details in the clocks and walls are only a preview of all the beauty this city will hold. I can't remember the last time I have been in such a crowded place but we make our way to the metro. This would be our mode of transportation for the next four days, crammed shoulder to shoulder with a diverse car of people. Faces young and old, various shades of browns and whites, facial features from all over the world that would suggest one melting pot of the human race. Having been in Switzerland for the last five weeks, I have only heard Swiss German and German being spoke but in this metro I hear mostly French and a bit of English. I spend many minutes thinking about how incredible it is that billions of people on this planet speak different languages and that I can be surrounded by hundreds of people whom we may not be able to share common words together. Fortunately, most people can speak a little bit of English. My boyfriend Beni who is Swiss can speak German, Swiss German, English, Italian, and a bit of French. It's a little ironic that some traveling Europeans have to speak English to each other when they do not speak the chosen language.

When I am with Beni and his family in Switzerland, everyone does their best to speak English with me. When we are at a restaurant or store, Swiss German is spoken and I usually cannot understand. I have recently started taking German lessons, once I learn this I can learn Swiss German and I won't feel so isolated. In the mean time Paris is a breath of fresh air when it comes to hearing English again. It's all around me, every server can speak a few words at the restaurants, there are also many Americans here. Even if I am not in a conversation with them, hearing them speak around me is like comfort food to my soul.

After our first metro ride and a few transfers, we make it up to the day light to the republique square. Our hotel is only a block away from this well known gathering place. Restaurants and shops surround this area, and hundreds of people crowd the streets. We make our way to our hotel, Le General, hidden among the cultured buildings. Our room is quite small but welcoming. The hotel is made to look modern even though you can feel the age and history in it's foundation. I couldn't be happier to be in this adorable French hotel, celebrating my birthday, and enjoying the company of this handsome man of mine. After our travel we are ready for a little exploration and celebration. I change in to my birthday dress I treated myself to from the H&M and we head out in to the romantic streets, looking for an adventure.....